Sex is in the news again. Hollywood's dark "secret" of pedophilia, sexual assault and abuse of power has been pulled into the light. I've been reading a lot of blogs about this or that celebrity who abused their position to take advantage of someone or another. It's tragic, but the real eye-opening part for me came when reading the comments.
Most of them condemn the offender, promising to boycott his work or never let their own loved ones hear the film industry. There was also a significant minority who suspect it's all a case of "he-said-she-said" (or "he-said-he-said"). A whole community of primarily men exist who are clearly distrustful of sexual relationships because of experiences with "morning after regret" that turned into an accusation of rape or awkward sexual advances being called harassment. Men who thought they understood the rules of modern sexuality but have become aware of an element no one can explain to their satisfaction.
Almost everyone in modern American society views sex as a transaction. That's what our schools teach. That having sex with someone is like trading baseball cards or shaking hands. If both parties consent and birth control is used, the transaction is complete and it doesn't have to mean anything more than scratching each other's backs.
So why is there so much "buyer's remorse"? To abuse the baseball card metaphor, it's because women are giving up a Babe Ruth rookie card and getting a nobody from the local farm team. It's not an equal trade. And it never will be.
Physically, women are so much more vulnerable in the sex act, both to immediate violence and long term consequences. Yes, diseases go both ways, but only women get pregnant (no matter what the Trans community claims). Even if you view abortion as a solution to that problem, it's not a painless procedure. And no form of birth control is 100% effective. If a woman chooses to have the baby, she will spend the rest of her life trying to compensate for her child's lack of a father. That may be her choice, but it's still part of the package she has to bear when she has sex.
And it has nothing on the emotional damage that casual sex does to women. Our language doesn't really have words for it, but a little bit of history may help. Our idea that two people get to know each other, fall in love, and then decide to get married is very modern. Historically, woman were far more likely to be in marriage arranged by their families or to be captured (either by a local man who was attracted to her or as a spoil of war). At best her new husband was a casual acquaintance. And yet, most of these marriages worked. Some of it was a difference in expectations, but a lot of it is female chemistry. Women are designed to love the men they have sex with. No matter what their brains might tell them, their bodies flood with chemicals telling them to cling to this man like a barnacle. They make it nearly impossible not to be with him. Women who watched their village burned by their husbands who then dragged them off to some strange place and married them without consent still manage to love these men. That's a powerful force. And you don't have to read a lot of Harlequin romance novels or watch many romantic comedies to realize it's still alive and well.
No matter what her brain and her culture tell her, women's chemistry wants the one night stand to be the start of something. For women who have thoroughly convinced themselves that's not what they want, it's a cognitive dissonance that sometimes leads to mental health issues and substance abuse. Or at least a nagging sense that something is wrong, even if she can't quite figure out what.
The nameless morning after feeling is not something a woman can choose. There's no device or drug to prevent it.
The physical and emotional costs are high, and so are the social costs. We can insist that judging women differently than men is sexist and call it slut shaming, but that doesn't fix the reality that middle class morals are more the source of the middle class than the creation of the middle class. Sexual liberation has come at the cost of the number one wealth builder that an individual can create: the nuclear family. Men who can choose casual sex are less likely to invest the time and effort it takes to build a real relationship. You don't have to read many comments to find them. The result is a normalizing of single parenting, a system that hurts both sexes, but once again is a burden born unequally by women.
Most human cultures throughout history have agreed that the fair trade value of sexual access to a good women is a lifetime commitment of partnership, monogamy and shared parenting. No one should be shocked when women feel cheated by today's transactions, even if they have convinced themselves they will be getting a fair deal. No one likes to realize they paid top dollar for a lemon even if the dealer didn't realize it.
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I know this is going to come up, so I need to say this doesn't excuse women for making false rape accusations or sexual harassment claims. But it does explain why our system of viewing sex as a one-to-one transaction leads to so much anger and misunderstanding. Knowing they have agreed to be cheated doesn't make it any less painful or confusing and if you start with someone who is unstable or vindictive, you're playing with fire. Do yourself a favor and stop.
Most of them condemn the offender, promising to boycott his work or never let their own loved ones hear the film industry. There was also a significant minority who suspect it's all a case of "he-said-she-said" (or "he-said-he-said"). A whole community of primarily men exist who are clearly distrustful of sexual relationships because of experiences with "morning after regret" that turned into an accusation of rape or awkward sexual advances being called harassment. Men who thought they understood the rules of modern sexuality but have become aware of an element no one can explain to their satisfaction.
Almost everyone in modern American society views sex as a transaction. That's what our schools teach. That having sex with someone is like trading baseball cards or shaking hands. If both parties consent and birth control is used, the transaction is complete and it doesn't have to mean anything more than scratching each other's backs.
So why is there so much "buyer's remorse"? To abuse the baseball card metaphor, it's because women are giving up a Babe Ruth rookie card and getting a nobody from the local farm team. It's not an equal trade. And it never will be.
Physically, women are so much more vulnerable in the sex act, both to immediate violence and long term consequences. Yes, diseases go both ways, but only women get pregnant (no matter what the Trans community claims). Even if you view abortion as a solution to that problem, it's not a painless procedure. And no form of birth control is 100% effective. If a woman chooses to have the baby, she will spend the rest of her life trying to compensate for her child's lack of a father. That may be her choice, but it's still part of the package she has to bear when she has sex.
And it has nothing on the emotional damage that casual sex does to women. Our language doesn't really have words for it, but a little bit of history may help. Our idea that two people get to know each other, fall in love, and then decide to get married is very modern. Historically, woman were far more likely to be in marriage arranged by their families or to be captured (either by a local man who was attracted to her or as a spoil of war). At best her new husband was a casual acquaintance. And yet, most of these marriages worked. Some of it was a difference in expectations, but a lot of it is female chemistry. Women are designed to love the men they have sex with. No matter what their brains might tell them, their bodies flood with chemicals telling them to cling to this man like a barnacle. They make it nearly impossible not to be with him. Women who watched their village burned by their husbands who then dragged them off to some strange place and married them without consent still manage to love these men. That's a powerful force. And you don't have to read a lot of Harlequin romance novels or watch many romantic comedies to realize it's still alive and well.
No matter what her brain and her culture tell her, women's chemistry wants the one night stand to be the start of something. For women who have thoroughly convinced themselves that's not what they want, it's a cognitive dissonance that sometimes leads to mental health issues and substance abuse. Or at least a nagging sense that something is wrong, even if she can't quite figure out what.
The nameless morning after feeling is not something a woman can choose. There's no device or drug to prevent it.
The physical and emotional costs are high, and so are the social costs. We can insist that judging women differently than men is sexist and call it slut shaming, but that doesn't fix the reality that middle class morals are more the source of the middle class than the creation of the middle class. Sexual liberation has come at the cost of the number one wealth builder that an individual can create: the nuclear family. Men who can choose casual sex are less likely to invest the time and effort it takes to build a real relationship. You don't have to read many comments to find them. The result is a normalizing of single parenting, a system that hurts both sexes, but once again is a burden born unequally by women.
Most human cultures throughout history have agreed that the fair trade value of sexual access to a good women is a lifetime commitment of partnership, monogamy and shared parenting. No one should be shocked when women feel cheated by today's transactions, even if they have convinced themselves they will be getting a fair deal. No one likes to realize they paid top dollar for a lemon even if the dealer didn't realize it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I know this is going to come up, so I need to say this doesn't excuse women for making false rape accusations or sexual harassment claims. But it does explain why our system of viewing sex as a one-to-one transaction leads to so much anger and misunderstanding. Knowing they have agreed to be cheated doesn't make it any less painful or confusing and if you start with someone who is unstable or vindictive, you're playing with fire. Do yourself a favor and stop.
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