One way or the other

I'm trying to picture this gender spectrum everyone keeps talking about. Not the middle. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone reveling in androgyny these days. Modern clothing trends seem to focus on daring people to guess what genitals someone has, while simultaneously making them of no interest to men or women.

It's the ends that I'm curious about. Who or what, exactly, is the paragon of womanhood at the edge of this rainbow? What defines her masculine counterpart?  Where do you fall on this scale of 1-10, 1 being Cinderella and 10 being the Brawny paper towel man? How far can you be from this ideal and still call yourself that gender?

One of my biggest issues with gender theory is that it gives too much credence to the stereotype. For there to be a gender spectrum, there must be some ideal to anchor the ends. It devalues the spectrum of real womanhood by drawing lines where a woman isn't a woman because she doesn't look or dress or act or think a certain way.

Our foremothers invested a lot of time and suffering into creating a world where being a woman doesn't have to mean the same thing to each one of us. Where a woman can be an basketball star or an astronaut or an auto mechanic or the top-rated Magic The Gathering player in the world (I have no idea if that ever actually happened - but it could). Our daughters are should not be asked to define themselves relative to an arbitrary, undefined ideal. You're not less of a girl if you like science and trucks and video games or more of a girl if you like dolls and fashion and dancing. Female is a huge umbrella covering almost every pursuit under the sun. It's something you are that does define you, but not narrowly.

Yes, that definition includes the chubby person with the spiky hair and nose ring wearing a men's button down shirt tucked into black jeans who's still upset than Bernie Sanders lost the primary. It includes the crunchy mom who runs the PTA and the single mom who puts Twinkees in her kid's lunch. It includes the nursing home resident who has lost all her outer femininity, but who still likes to have her hair done once a week. It includes the tom boy, playing in the dirt.

Likewise, not all men can swing an axe. Or want to. They are more than soldiers and laborers. The poet is not less of a man than the welder. The cop is not more of a man than the stay-at-home-dad. You don't have to reach a certain height to claim your man card. And you can't turn it in by growing your bangs too long, putting on eyeliner and wearing skinny jeans or a skirt.

Adolescents have always struggled with their identity. It's kind of what that period of life is for. Now we've created a whole new and absurd conundrum for them. I think it's time that we offer them a bit of concrete wisdom. You don't have to earn your gender. It's not a spectrum. It's one thing or the other thing. It will mean different things to you throughout your life. But it won't change.